Derek is such an ass.

I'm fully aware of this but I cannot help but love him. I love him so much it's humiliating. I've given so much of myself, that I feel like I have nothing left to give.

Last night was amazing. We started out a little bit rough, but he did and said all the right things. I remembered why I love him so much. I remembered why Finn just isn't enough. We ran into Addison. She's staying at the same hotel. She saw us in a rather compromising position. She didn't deserve to see what she saw.

Somehow the night was able to be salvaged, and I felt closer and more connected to Derek than I ever have before. Then, today, I stop by the hospital and it's like that connection is gone. He's Derek, the surgeon again, not Derek, the one. Is it possible that this is who Derek really is? Do I love all of him, or just the illusion of McDreamy that I have constructed for myself.

He seems to be overly concerned with not hurting Addison, which I'm trying to convince myself is more than far. By she has very obviously moved on with Mark, so what is he so concerned about? Something is telling me that there's more to Mark and Addison than Derek even knows about. He doesn't want to hurt Addison, but it seems to be at my sake, and he's already pulled that trick once, and my life more or less fell apart.

What makes me different than Addison. Will that same distance that I feel from time to time, become the norm like it did in his first marriage? Am I destined to be hurt? Should I save myself a lifetime of pain and run off with Finn, who will never, ever hurt me. Who will love me the way I should be loved? I don't love Finn, but is it possible that love will come with time?

I'm so very confused right now, and trying my hardest not to be hurt, but I am. Derek and I were supposed to get drinks tonight, but after my abrupt departure from the hospital today, I doubt that those plan are still on. I should call Finn. I should try.


But why don't I want to?

Tonight's my first date with Derek. He's taking me back to this Italian restaurant we went to back when things were, simpler. I cannot go home with him. The panties are staying on. I don't know if I trust myself, though. He's Derek, he claims his marriage is over, so I mean, why not?

But then there's Finn, and he's such a good guy. I really didn't realize how amazing he was until he kissed me the other day. I mean he really kissed me. I felt like a 16 year old girl again. I have no idea what I should do.

But then this morning Derek really kissed me too, and it was amazing. Had his pager not went off, I have no idea what would have happened. I really need to get more self control, but when it comes to Derek I have none. Maybe I should take that as a sign. I mean I had no problem sleeping in Finn's bed and simply sleeping.

There's no point in figuring all of this out now. I need to go get ready for tonight.

Tonight I date Derek.
Tomorrow I date Finn.
Aren't I a lucky girl?